I never thought I would have a miscarriage. This belief was not bred from arrogance. I simply didn’t think I would be able to handle the pain of losing a child. And since I did not think I would be able to handle it, I thought God would not allow me to endure that. But I was wrong.
One week ago I began spotting. I called my doctor who said “Don’t worry. If you feel cramping, or bleed more than 1 pad per hour, then go to the ER.” I called my husband and he said “Bedrest. All day. No exceptions.” and I told him “Absolutely. I would do anything for our baby. 7 months of bed rest is totally doable.” And since I had done 6 months of bed rest with Ava due to hyperemesis (which is doctor speak for excessive throwing up) I knew that 7 months would not be that difficult. And besides, this is my child, I would do anything to keep my child safe.
By that afternoon the spotting turned to true bleeding and I didn’t feel like waiting was a good idea. I drove myself to the ER. My husband was 1.5 hrs away at a conference. I called him and he came immediately. He arrived at the ER just after they did my intake tests. They did blood tests, an ultra sound, and a physical exam. They discharged me with a vague explanation and said that “some women don’t even know they are pregnant because they have full periods during their pregnancies.” But they also gave me a Rogam shot (which is what they give moms right before birth if they have negative blood type).
I was unsure what to make of everything, but the paperwork they gave me said it all “Threatening Miscarriage”. I left thinking my body was on the verge of miscarrying and that bed rest might reverse things. But after full bed rest from Friday night through Saturday night, around dawn on Sunday morning I knew there was a problem. I was experiencing the worst cramps I had ever felt, a lot of bleeding, and could not sleep. At 6am I woke my husband and told him we needed his parents here to watch Ava so we could go back to the ER right away.
This time we had a different doctor and I told her up front we needed her to be straight with us, that we could deal with the truth. She honored that request, and I am so grateful for that. I had another round of blood tests and a second ultra sound. When the doctor came into the room she was very clear. She said that our baby had only developed for 5 weeks and then development had stopped. Essentially, our child had been dead for 4 weeks and we had not known it.
Even though I know that I did everything I could have done right during my pregnancy, I did not drink alcohol, take any drugs – even over the counter, I ate right, I exercised appropriately, I did not over exert myself, and rested when my body needed it. Even though I know in my head that I did nothing to cause my miscarriage there is still a piece of me that is hurting because I did not know. This little precious soul was housed inside me, and somehow I did not know that it was gone. I logically understand that there is no way that I could have known, but this does not change the emotional difficulty I am feeling. This does not stop my tears form flowing. This knowledge does not change that fact that my child is gone.
I have never known what to say to a woman who lost a child. What do you say to someone who was pregnant and now is not? Apparently, I am not the only one who felt this way. Because no one has known what to say to me. And I get it. I barely know what to say to me or what I would want someone to say. I am still trying to wrap my head around things. How can I love someone so much I am willing to die for them, yet I have never met them? I never met this child, but I knew this child. This was my child and I loved this child enough to lay down my life to ensure their safety. This is the love of a mother. And of the Father. And of Jesus. He laid down His life to ensure my eternal salvation. He loved me with that love.
I will not meet this child this side of heaven. I am still trying to understand. I know that there is so much I cannot know until I get to stand in Jesus’s presence. But I am holding fast to what I do know. The truths that He has written on my heart and spoken to me through His word. I can trust God’s plan. I am loved, worthy, and secure. Jesus is here with me in my pain.