I never thought I would have a miscarriage

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I never thought I would have a miscarriage. This belief was not bred from arrogance. I simply didn’t think I would be able to handle the pain of losing a child. And since I did not think I would be able to handle it, I thought God would not allow me to endure that.  But I was wrong.

One week ago I began spotting. I called my doctor who said “Don’t worry. If you feel cramping, or bleed more than 1 pad per hour, then go to the ER.” I called my husband and he said “Bedrest. All day. No exceptions.” and I told him “Absolutely. I would do anything for our baby. 7 months of bed rest is totally doable.” And since I had done 6 months of bed rest with Ava due to hyperemesis (which is doctor speak for excessive throwing up) I knew that 7 months would not be that difficult. And besides, this is my child, I would do anything to keep my child safe.  

By that afternoon the spotting turned to true bleeding and I didn’t feel like waiting was a good idea. I drove myself to the ER.  My husband was 1.5 hrs away at a conference. I called him and he came immediately. He arrived at the ER just after they did my intake tests.  They did blood tests, an ultra sound, and a physical exam. They discharged me with a vague explanation and said that “some women don’t even know they are pregnant because they have full periods during their pregnancies.” But they also gave me a Rogam shot (which is what they give moms right before birth if they have negative blood type).

I was unsure what to make of everything, but the paperwork they gave me said it all “Threatening Miscarriage”. I left thinking my body was on the verge of miscarrying and that bed rest might reverse things. But after full bed rest from Friday night through Saturday night, around dawn on Sunday morning I knew there was a problem. I was experiencing the worst cramps I had ever felt, a lot of bleeding, and could not sleep. At 6am I woke my husband and told him we needed his parents here to watch Ava so we could go back to the ER right away.

This time we had a different doctor and I told her up front we needed her to be straight with us, that we could deal with the truth. She honored that request, and I am so grateful for that. I had another round of blood tests and a second ultra sound. When the doctor came into the room she was very clear. She said that our baby had only developed for 5 weeks and then development had stopped. Essentially, our child had been dead for 4 weeks and we had not known it.

Even though I know that I did everything I could have done right during my pregnancy, I did not drink alcohol, take any drugs – even over the counter, I ate right, I exercised appropriately, I did not over exert myself, and rested when my body needed it. Even though I know in my head that I did nothing to cause my miscarriage there is still a piece of me that is hurting because I did not know. This little precious soul was housed inside me, and somehow I did not know that it was gone. I logically understand that there is no way that I could have known, but this does not change the emotional difficulty I am feeling. This does not stop my tears form flowing. This knowledge does not change that fact that my child is gone.

I have never known what to say to a woman who lost a child.  What do you say to someone who was pregnant and now is not? Apparently, I am not the only one who felt this way. Because no one has known what to say to me.  And I get it.  I barely know what to say to me or what I would want someone to say. I am still trying to wrap my head around things. How can I love someone so much I am willing to die for them, yet I have never met them? I never met this child, but I knew this child. This was my child and I loved this child enough to lay down my life to ensure their safety. This is the love of a mother. And of the Father. And of Jesus. He laid down His life to ensure my eternal salvation. He loved me with that love.

I will not meet this child this side of heaven. I am still trying to understand. I know that there is so much I cannot know until I get to stand in Jesus’s presence. But I am holding fast to what I do know. The truths that He has written on my heart and spoken to me through His word. I can trust God’s plan. I am loved, worthy, and secure. Jesus is here with me in my pain.

creative lifestyle blogger southern caifornia - illistyle.com

Comments

  1. Oh my sweet April, I am so sorry friend. I am praying for you all and hugging you in my heart. I love you and am just heartbroken for you.

  2. oh my I am so sorry for your loss and yet so grateful that you have the faith that you will one day see your baby. I applaud you for being so brave & writing this post to honor your child. I haven’t met you (yet) as I hope to next week at SNAP & trying my best to make the rounds & follow some new people. I had wondered what had happened & just now saw this. You will be in my prayers girl & just know if I can find you next week, a big ‘ol hug is coming your way! xoxo laura ;)

  3. I am so sorry April to hear about your loss! I had 2 miscarriages and my first one sounded very similar to yours. I will be praying for you and your family to find peace during this time and support from all around you.
    Kathy (Kangaroo Mama) recently posted..Stuck On You Valentines PrintablesMy Profile

  4. April, I am so sorry this happened. I so very much admire the courage it must have taken to write this post and my heart just aches for you. Thank you for sharing this story with us — I’m sure it brings a lot of people comfort to know they are not alone.
    AJ recently posted..Things I Absolutely Will Never Try — And One That I WouldMy Profile

  5. I am so sorry for your loss. I admire your strength in posting about this and sharing with us. I’m sure it must have been so hard to write. But writing can be therapeutic in a lot of ways, too, and I hope you are comforted in knowing your readers are here for you. Hugs to you and your family.
    Lindsay recently posted..Awesome Fridays – SF, #MoreSoCal, Puppies & MoreMy Profile

  6. I am so sorry this happened to you. I am going through the same grief right now. Although it is the worst club to belong to, somehow it does help to know you aren’t alone. I am here if ever you want to talk. God bless.
    Cara recently posted..Sharing is CaringMy Profile

  7. I’m so very sorry, April. Praying for God’s peace, calm, and comfort for you and your husband as you grieve and heal.
    Camille recently posted..Homemade Cajun SeasoningMy Profile

  8. I’m so sorry for your loss, I’m sorry you went through this and I wish I could just visit and hug you tight. Sending you a virtual hug. <3

  9. I’ve been thinking of ever since you mentioned you went to the hospital. I’m so very sorry for your loss. I understand what you’re going through – I had 2 miscarriages before having my son and each time it felt surreal.

    Sending love your way.
    Melissa Burton recently posted..Lucky 7My Profile

  10. I am so so sorry April, I cannot even imagine. Warm hugs and prayers to you and your family.
    Xenia recently posted..Happy Earth Month – Recycle In Your Bathroom!My Profile

  11. Oh April, I am so so sad for you. I know nothing anyone can say will make it any better, but you’re in my thoughts and prayers (and I can’t wait to see you in a week and a half, where you’re going to get a big hug, even though we’re still kinda strangers).
    Cori @ Let’s Eat Grandpa recently posted..My First Washi TunicMy Profile

  12. I am so sorry for your loss. I will keep your family in my thoughts.

  13. april, that was really brave of you to write this. so real and and so heartbreaking. i am praying for you with all my heart. i love you so much. you have been there for me always, i wish i could be states closer to hug you now. i love you. please rest.

  14. April, I am so sorry that your heart is breaking. You are exactly right – folks do not know what to say and the only ones who can begin to understand are folks who have endured what you are. Last July, my husband (we were recently divorced) was found dead in his apartment. The police chaplain came and told me. His family has been absolutely horrendous to me. They blame me for his first divorce – we lived 2000 miles apart and I didn’t marry him for over 2 years after that mess. He had to be identified by dental records and I thought I was going to have to go to court to claim his body, due to his estranged family’s lack of concern. The same day my daughter had to have a D&C to terminate an unsustainable pregnancy. Then in December her father-in-law died unexpectedly in his sleep. So, last year was a year of losses for our family. I have found that people don’t know what to say, nor do I, and so nothing is said. That hurts as I thought people didn’t care. I had one guy ask his wife at church if she was going to come to speak to me and she said NO and she didn’t. We were in a home fellowship together a couple of years ago. The best thing I have done is to go to a grief group. I have found that my emotions are normal and we all grieve at our individual pace. It has helped me to try to take steps forward. Even though, it was never official, I’m sure I lost a baby very, very early in a pregnancy. I hadn’t even been to the doctor to determine I was pregnant. Thirty-six years later I still think about that baby. I pray that God will heal your hearts and bring you Peace. I hope your church or some other organization near has a grief program. It has helped to not only learn about the process but also to be with others who understand my situation. God’s richest blessings to you.

  15. What a beautiful way to honor your baby – that I too believe you will be with in the next life. Wish I could give you a big hug! Prayers for you and your family!
    Pam from Over the Big Moon recently posted..Happy Sabbath Day!My Profile

  16. (((HUGS)))
    Meghan recently posted..21 Happy Days of the 100 Happy Day ChallengeMy Profile

  17. praying for you!!! stay strong!

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